Justin Timberlake does a lot of things.  He sings. He dances. He acts. He hosts. He jokes. He runs a record label. A clothing line. A tequila line. Probably has done other lines (yes that’s a reference to cocaine.)

Anyway…. for the most part, I’ve supported all these endeavors since I decided in 1998 that he would become the crush of my lifetime (or well, half lifetime, since there was a time before JT.) I’m a very loyal girl. Don’t screw me over and I’ll be by your side for better and for worse.

And well, since the word “worse” has been brought up, I must address something that has bothered me over the last few weeks, in regard to the usually amazing and talented Timberlake.

Let’s just say that JT is trying to be JZ (Jay-Z actually, it just visually looked better written like that when trying to make the comparison.) What I mean by that?

He’s…. rapping.

Yes, rapping. As in, speaking words at really a rapid rate while rhyming, most commonly done successfully by black people, Eminem aside.

Now before I show you the video, where JT joins his Tennman Records artist FreeSol in the song “Role Model” – I’d like to break down some of the lyrics.

First off, he claims to “ball like a Laker.”

Yo Justin, this may have been a great reference in 2010, but this song came out in 2011. I don’t know if you know this but… the Lakers sorta dropped the ball this year. And got swept. So, in your defense, I hope you meant “bawl like a Laker”… as in shed tears over the fact that rapping isn’t your greatest talent.

He also tells us “I’m going hard like the opposite of soft” – I see no brilliance in this. Honestly, I just feel like if you’re gonna rap, it’s gotta be clever genius like Drake, Eminem, Jay-Z, Kanye, even Weezy…  but, this is straight Diddy (which means Justin will be more successful in rap if he just manages other rappers careers.)

I will say the one time I smirked is when Justin says “Oops did I take it too far? Superbowl!” and then pulls his shirt to the side. That was a reference to the CBS drama when he took the Superbowl stage with Janet Jackson and well, had the “wardrobe malfunction.” Way to call yourself out and admit to the crime, JT. #7yearslate

Anyway, I’m not gonna analyze every line because….well, then I’d have to think of clever things to say about everything, and writer’s block is setting in. So please, just watch this video for yourself, and make your own judgment on JT’s rapping skills.

PS. Viewer Discretion advised… (Side Effects include: shock, horror, a decrease in attraction, a mild case of amusement,  and an occasional laugh.)

PPS When it comes to rapping, clearly… THIS Justin does it better:

Insert Paula Cole song here

If there’s anything I’ve learned from junior high school television, it’s this:

DO NOT have a creek named after you.

Some of you may be puzzled, as having a creek (or anything for that matter) named after you seems like a pretty legit accomplishment in life.

But hear me out. You see…Dawson had a creek named after him (Dawson’s Creek.) And well, where is Dawson now? His co-stars like Joey and Pacey and Jen are doing great.

Joey (aka Katie Holmes aka Mrs. Cruise) has attained the ultimate celebrity status – famous for just being famous, meaning we care about her personal life relationship, what she’s wearing, what her kid is wearing (I seriously know way too much about Suri) – and she gets cast in major things. She most recently starred in Jack and Jill opposite of Adam Sandler, and more importantly, she was also in Batman Begins (if yo star in a comic book film, you’re by default successful.)

Pacey (aka Joshua Jackson) is aligned with the great JJ Abrams and on a hit show called Fringe. I mean, he’s become part of Comic-Con royalty. I believe that is a win. (For the sake of this blog post, please disregard his altercation with a security guard at a hockey game in 2002.)

Jen (aka Michelle Williams) well….aside from being the pseudo-widow of Heath Ledger (they were broken up at the time of the death but had a child together), had noteworthy roles in films like Brokeback Mountain and Blue Valentine.

As for Dawson (aka James Van Der Beek?) I recall an MTV high-school movie about football… but that’s sorta it. And even that film, Varsity Blues, came out while his Creek show was still on the air.  He was also named one of People’s 50 most Beautiful….once again, during the Creek era.  Post-Creek? He starred in a the flop of a movie, Rules of Attraction, did some stuff OFF Broadway, had some one-offs guest star roles on TV, and most recently, was featured in Ke$ha’s video for “Blow” (as in, his career relative to the rest of the DC cast….blows.)

So in conclusion, all I know is that if you have a creek with your name attached to it, be prepared to peak in high school…and then drown.

Anyway. I was getting “stalked” by a monster, and instead of running away like a normal person would, I decided to call my stalker out… and then interview him on camera (this should explain the dark & sadistic title for this vlog post.) So if you have 1.5 minutes to spare, I encourage you to learn things only monsters know… like what humans taste like. (PS shoutout to up-and-coming ESPN analyst and former Stanford basketball star Rosalyn Gold-Onwude for her amazing shooting skills. Video shooting, not basketball. Though she’s good at that too.)

“Hi…um, I follow you on Twitter, so it’s totally acceptable that I followed you into the bathroom, right?”

The aforementioned quote? ALMOST actually stated, as a “pickup” line (on a girl, mind you)…

So here’s the deal. I’m at the Hollywood Improv to check out a few friends (Jonny Loquasto and Grant Cotter) who are doing a show with the (former) cast of NBC’s Free Agents (If you didn’t understand the previous parenthetical clause, it’s because the show has since been canceled) – and as I stand on the wall, I just so happen to spot John Legend.

Now, most normal girls would “eeek” over such a sighting. However, I’m not most normal girls. Instead, I immediately look around him to see if his girlfriend is there.

Yes, his girlfriend. Now you may automatically assume that I was looking to see whether his GF would be there to find out whether or not I’d be in the clear to approach him and hit on him….

But no, that is NOT the case. In reality, I actually care more about his girlfriend being there, than the Legend himself.

His girlfriend, you could say, is a Twitter legend (yes, I’m trying to be punny.)

If you don’t know her, her name is Chrissy Teigen. Supermodel. Super blogger. And super awesome and sarcastic and hilarious on Twitter (yes, I’ve publicly stated that I digitally aspire to be her.)

Anyway. She was there. I immediately start tweeting incessantly about my spotting, and my friend Josh Sandoval encourages me to go say hi.

However, I refuse, mostly because it’d be a little awkward to walk through a comedy club and approach a table in the middle room as stand-up comedy is being performed on stage, especially since I wasn’t a server checking to see if they were meeting the 2-drink minimum.

So I just watched the show…. UNTIL… I see her get up. Which can only mean one thing – she’s going to the bathroom.

Once again, my friend Josh encourages me to go strike up convo. He actually is the one that came up with the line I started the blog post with (yes, the “Hey I follow you on Twitter so it’s not awkward that I followed you into the bathroom in real life, right?” line.)

Anyway. I decide I have to go to the bathroom. Mostly because I never want to let moments pass. This one time I was at the Cheesecake Factory, the day the Michael Jackson death/Conrad Murray trial started, and Jermaine Jackson was there. I stood there, contemplated for minutes as to whether I would say something, and by the time I wanted to, it was too late – he left (clearly, making decisions is not as easy as 1,2, 3.)

So I go into the bathroom and attempt to do my hair (yes, I randomly had a bottle of Alterna hair spray) so as to not look threatening. Chrissy comes out of the stall. She washes her hands. I glance over, and instead of using the cheesy canned line, I just say something to the effect of “Hi. Um, I follow you on Twitter, and I just think you’re awesome.”

She smiles, laughs, says she’s not mean in real life. I told her that I support her style, and that I prefer her meanness and sarcasm to her serious tweets that she randomly throws out (we then talk about a recent death penalty rant she went on.)

Get it? We all cringe at the thought of the WNBA.

Sometimes you have to be smart to catch onto her humor

Real Talk

Since we’re at a comedy show, and since she’s funny, I ask her if she’d ever do standup. She says that she wouldn’t, that it takes balls to do standup (explains why most female comics are lesbians), and then next thing you know I’m confiding all my life’s relationship problems to her in the bathroom (something to the effect of the emotional destruction that unexpectedly running into your ex has on your day.)

I also mention that a dear friendager (yes, that’s friend and manager combined), Ray Hughes, also told me to say hi to her and tell her that I enjoy their Twitter exchanges. She knows him, and recalls the moment they were stuck on a plane together.

Anyway. We talk about Twitter a little more, she tells me she’s afraid to take her phone out (yeah, the Hollywood Improv gets mad about phones being out. Something to do with respecting comedians or something) and then we part ways. I continue to do my hair so it looked like I had a purpose in the bathroom, and she leaves.

Now many of you may be asking, “Why didn’t you take a picture?” Well um, I thought bathroom stalking was bad enough, I didn’t want to come off as a total creeper. And hey, if a picture is worth a thousand words… will writing 1001 make up for not having a photo? (Too cheesy? Sorry. I needed to think of a way to wrap up this post. The end.)

I said it once, I’ll say it again…

I would never date a Blackberry.

For those not following along, my definition of a Blackberry, as it pertains to this blog post, is a person who uses the RIM device, most often associated with finance and entertainment professionals. NOT the fruit…I rather enjoy the fruit actually…

Anyway. Being a Blackberry was cool in the mid-2000′s, pre-iPhone, pre-android. They were most often associated with “success” – mostly because “important” people needed to be available via email at an instant’s notice, and thus had to use said-devices.

However, there’s absolutely no appeal in the modern day era of 2011. Yes, I know the one argument all you Berries have – “But we have BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) – I can talk to anyone in the world!”

NEWSFLASH: There are Messenger apps (What’s App, for example) that allow you to do practically the same thing on iPhone/Android-based phones. Plus, the iPhone 5…which should be out relatively soon…comes with the BBM-equivalent iMessenger.

Thus, your ONE argument for the device fails. Anyway. You know how there’s that whole concept about how pets are a reflection of their owners?  I think the same applies to cell phones. See below:

iPhone/Android Users 

• Always looking to reinvent, or “better” oneself (creative? ambitious? Every  year you have something new to provide to society.)
• User-friendly (yes, people can be user-friendly)
• They have great game (yes, this is an attempt at a pun)

Blackberries

• Rigid/conformists (what’s that? You got your phone from your company? You have to be in the office at 2am?)
• Your soul is dying (because RIM, as a company, is dying)
• Limited curiosity (googling on a BB is a painful experience)
• You’re lost (have you tried BB’s attempt at navigation/Google maps? Enough said.) 

So there you have it. A completely (un)scientific guide to the difference between iPhone/Android users and “Blackberries” – I hope that after reading this, I get at least one Blackberry to feel insecure enough to turn in their phones, leave the 2000′s behind, and join us forward-thinking people of 2011.

Red Bull gives you…a new friendship (and wings)

What happens when you take a Grey-Goosed-out comedian friend (let’s call him FI, short for Funny Indian) to one of the hottest spots in Hollywood?

Um. You befriend a Disney star whose song you secretly love (and not-so-secretly blast everytime it plays on Satellite Radio.)

The Grey-Goosed-out friend? Rajiv Satyal (or as I call him, FI.)

The Disney star? Demi Lovato (her nickname is DL. No, not on the “down low” – her initials are actually DL. Though if you think about it, it’s kinda ironic that she’s DL…given that she has over 4million Twitter followers. Nothing DL about that.)

The location? Lexington Social House (or Lexington for short. Maybe I’ll get lazy and just refer to it from here on out as “Lex”… however that conjures up images of Superman’s arch-nemesis Lex Luther, and well, he was just evil.)

So here’s the deal. FI and I had a plan to hang out on Saturday night. We end up going to Lex to see some dear friends (Fahad, Tova, Christine, congrats on your KHANversations shout-out). We have a table. Having a table with bottle service can only lead to one thing – nonsense. And by nonsense I mean, a once sober Funny Indian eventually becomes a crazy, wild, super dancer Funny Indian.

Now, if you’re anywhere near viewing distance of this character known as the “Funny Indian”, you’re getting a firsthand account as to why he lives up to the “funny” in his moniker. He’s wilin’ out. Needless to say, the girls on the table next to us take notice. I begin talking to them across tables, as I notice that they are amused by my friend. I tell them I’ll send him over (at this point, Tova had pointed out that this nearby table was also home to Demi Lovato.) Anyway, I motion FI to go to that table, and he straight DISSES them – saying something to the effect of “No, they can come here.” So I tell the girls that he doesn’t want to come over… and what happens next? They egg the girl-whose-supposedly-DL on, and next thing you know, she’s gotten up from her table, walked over to ours, and started dancing behind FI! It’s a spectacle. I join in (mostly for blog post purposes.) My friend Tova attempts to take a picture, but Demi’s got a good  iPhone/fear-of-Twitpic radar, and immediately jolts back to her table before Tova can snap away.

Alas. I thought the blog post had ended there… an exciting dance sesh with Demi Lovato, one that involved FI dissing her, and she throwing herself at him (in the platonic, I just want to do something funny sort of way. Not sexual.)

But wait – there’s more…

Minutes later, FI goes to DL’s table. He offers them our table and the large bottle of Grey Goose that our friends had left there, convincing them to go drink it. DL’s response? “I don’t drink!”

And… this is my cue to bond with her. Because as any friend of SK who has hit the LA nightlife with her knows, I don’t drink, but I can seriously down a can of sugarfree Red Bull or two. DL’s drink choice? SugarFree Red Bull. So I discuss the benefits of not drinking with her, why having multiple cans of SFRB is better (basically you can have fun and still drive), how SugarFree is far superior to regular (who wants to drink 110 calories when you can just drink 10?), and how I support her cause (I make no mention of recent tabloid headlines involving her.)

FI continues to suggest she drink (unbeknownst to him, she’s 19…) but he does not succeed. Before convo wraps, he tells her “You are SO nice! I just want to tell you that. It’s so rare to meet someone in Hollywood that’s just…nice.” (DL has been smiling the whole night.)

DL’s response? “Well, you are so fun. It’s so rare to meet someone who likes to just have fun.”

So DL is nice, FI is fun, and SK is just amused by this whole scenario that she knows is unfolding into a future blog post (yes, the one you’re reading right now.)

And well…let’s be real. Normally, I write blog posts for friends and followers. Today? I write the blog post as a reminder for FI as to what happened that night… because well, he can’t remember.

PS This isn’t the first time FI had a fab A-list encounter when he and I hung out – read about our run-in with Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, and how we all became BFFs here.

PPS Even though we didn’t get a photo with Demi, I did catch her song playing on SiriusXM the very next day. Naturally, I got excited and took a photo and sent to FI. In case you care what that photo looks like…

Ron Artest on a stage. With a mic. Not a court. Or a ball.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Ron Artest.

Ron Artest who?

Ron Artest the comedian.

Okay okay, I know that wasn’t the best joke you’ve ever heard… but um, that’s because it’s not a joke. It’s reality (funny reality, albeit.)

So as any basketball fan knows, the NBA is locked out. As a result, basketball players are looking for other job opportunities…

Ron Artest’s plan? Joke (no not choke, as in the Lakers this last season, but joke…as in, say-something-to-make-people-laugh.)

Thanks to Jason Collings, a comedian I met two nights prior who was booked on Ron Artest’s show, I got a chance to check out one of the most entertaining athletes in the game (consider watching Ron Artest do standup the equivalent to watching Shaq rap.)

Highlights?

• Artest calling Ben Wallace a dick
• Referring to comedian Maronzio Vance as “Maronzo” (I’m convinced it’s because he was just rhyming it was Alonzo, as in Alonzo Mourning, of 90′s Miami Heat fame. Side note: This “Maronzo” character is ridiculously hilarious. I was LOLing his entire set.)
• Artest claiming he was bored one day, called his lawyer, and asked how much it would cost to change his name (thus we now have, Mr. Metta World Peace)
• Someone asking if he wants Dwight Howard as a Laker. Response: “I love my team, we don’t need Dwight – I don’t got big shoulders, we have Bynum.” (He then goes on a tangent about Lakers getting swept by an F-ing German.)
• Speaking of the Dallas series, here’s a classic Artest (Peace) line of the night: “F-ing Andrew Bynum, taking his shirt off like he’s a stripper – I almost tipped him!” (And we now know that Metta visits strip clubs…)
• Someone asks about his pre-game ritual. Result? “This isn’t f-ing ‘The View’, did Oprah ask that? Oprah has the fattest ass in entertainment, right behind Serena, Serena has ass.” (No, Oprah didn’t ask that. Oprah is NOT one of the hundreds of audience members at the Brea Improv in Orange County. I’m guessing she was out being fancy somewhere.)
• Someone asked if he liked fishsticks. “I know that joke, it’s the Kanye West joke from 4 years ago…I read the internet! You can’t get me!” (I just like the fact that he said “I read the internet. Oh and in case you’re wondering, liking fish sticks means you’re gay. According to South Park.)
• Next question…are you happy with the size of your manhood? “I guess so, I enjoy that f-ing sex.” (PS one thing I’ve noticed comics do a lot is use profanity as a crutch – drunken audience members tend to laugh at anything that involves “f-ing.”)
• He says he’s thirsty. He asks for breast milk (a joke? Probably. However it makes me wonder if he’s had breast milk at an age where he could remember, because well, I totally don’t remember the taste of it as a one-year-old…)
• Lastly, someone asks what his nickname would be now that his new name is Metta World Peace. His answer? “Uh, I guess my nickname would be… Ron Artest.”

Smiling…for now

I don’t normally go into shoe-shopping trips and expect to leave with a fear of drinking water – but… that was the case the other day when I tagged along with “Chuck” actress Mekenna Melvin (Josh’s gf Alex McHugh). Before we went shoe shopping, I was discussing my dehydration, and my need for bottled water, and how I normally keep at 24-pack in my car at all times, but alas, my car was not there (such deep and meaningful conversation, I know.) Anyway. Mekenna decides she doesn’t want me to have water ever again, and therefore chooses to share a not-so-fun fact (okay she didn’t really not want me to ever have water…just keep reading.)

Apparently, according to her, bottled water in plastic bottles, when left in heat, is actually horrible for you. She explains some sciency reasoning (one I can’t remember) but basically suggests that if I continue to drink  out of plastic water bottles that have been sitting in my car, I’ll die…or well, consume a lot of chemicals or something.

So even though she was super chill and all, and a fun interview (we talked everything from TGIF to sale racks to relationships to mutual friends) – I now have a new fear. Thanks Mekenna. I hope a secret agent captures you, or something.

So, I interviewed Snooki. Yes, THE Nicole Polizzi (Fun fact: people in her inner circle refer to her as “Nicole” – because well, when she’s out and about and the fans are screaming “Snooki”,  the important people can be differentiated. So stalkers/fans, take note…)

I’ve never watched Jersey Shore…willingly, at least. I have a friend named Sahil who once made me watch two episodes. I was entertained, but not enough to start giving up my Thursday nights at 10 pm to be one of the 8+ million people setting records and watching (side note, I had a dream about The Situation and I being BFFs few weeks ago. Still trying to figure out why…maybe it’s a sign of reality show stardom?? TBD.)

Anyway. I was at the fashion tradeshow MAGIC in Las Vegas to cover shoes (because well, that’s what I get paid to do), and of course when I found out Snooki (or um, Nicole) would be debuting her new slipper line, I of course had to discuss this.

Snooks and Slips

I was wearing 4.5 inch heels. Snooki… was in slippers. She’s already short. I’m already average height. It was an awkward conversation. But I’ll admit it. I was jealous of Snooki. Yes, JEALOUS. Why? She was in comfy slippers, and I was in not-so-comfy heels (dear Sam Edelman, some of your heels hurt, some don’t – please be consistent.)

SK = Jealous of Snooki

So after we bantered about her slipper line and how it came about (STORY: she wore Happy Feet slippers on the show, the guys at Happy Feet saw this, and thus, a relationship flourished. She started designing Snooki-like slippers…. they now come in cheetah print, sparkles, pink, purple, and other Snooki-ish styles), Snooki gave me her slippers.

How Snooki Saved my Life…or um, Feet.

Obviously, once you’ve given someone slippers, you’re at BFF-status. Slippers, you know, are a household look and well, that’s pretty personal if you ask me.

So once we were on that sorta intimate wave-length, she gave me top secret info on the Guido-style slippers she’s trying to design… one’s that would of course be…Orange (FYI that’s a reference to the the T part of GTL… TAN.) Props to her for taking ownership of the stereotype.

Anyway. We part ways, she suggests I wear the slippers the rest of the day, and I comply. Because well, rockin’ large pink slippers at a fashion tradeshow ALWAYS stands out (people expect fancy heels. They stare when you wear Snooki Slippers.)

What's hot for Fall 2011…

PS If you’re jealous of me and my super cool Snooki Slipper look (slippers that you can even wear outside – Snooks suggested wearing them to get gas or go to the grocery store) you can get your very own at http://www.snookislippers.com

PPS for full video/story, watch below:

[vodpod id=Video.5690552&w=500&h=325&fv=]