Look. I’m a sucker for boy bands and anything 13-year-old girls like. I’m currently addicted to Carly Rae Jespen’s “Call Me Maybe” and have been known to watch Nickelodeon’s “iCarly” onDemand. Needless to say, as I was sitting at the bar at Birds in Franklin Village, catching up with the oh-so-dreamy Manish Dayal of 9021O fame and soon-to-be ABCFamily “Switched At Birth” fame (deemed “dreamy” by one of my BFFs, not me. Not that I don’t agree, it’s just, well, gushing on the boyish good looks of someone you’re actually friends with, in your blog post, will only make future hangouts awkward. Ack. I already feel awkward. Back to the blog post), my dear friend Priya alerts me to the fact that Joe Jonas is also in the same venue, noticed by none other than friend/The Dating Advice Girl, Erin Tillman (of course the DAG would notice the hot guy in the restaurant…who just so happened to be Joe Jonas).

Yep, Joe Jonas. As in Jonas Brother. Without the other two. The attractive one. The one who went solo and has collaborated with Lil Wayne. The one who also broke my girl-crush Taylor Swift’s heart back in 2008.

I swear we were making eyecontact from bar to booth. Perhaps because we wanted to, perhaps (more realistically) because I’m loud and make a scene and was wearing yellow (who doesn’t notice yellow?!) Anyway. I tried to be discreet, all the while whispering my excitement into my friends’ ears. “Eeeek, that’s Joe Jonas! That’s the guy who Taylor’s written many a song about, many a song that has helped me through my own personal dramas (see ‘Forever & Always’, ‘Last Kiss’, and ‘Better than Revenge’…)” After staring for a good 20-30 seconds, I attempted to discreetly take photos with my iPhone, with the hopes that one would turn out clear enough to Instagram. They didn’t.

The one in the grey hat. Eating an orange slice. Eeek.

Anyway. The reason I was even at Birds was for a post-show hang after my dear friend FI’s sketch show next door at Upright Citizens Brigade (FI stands for “Funny Indian”, who you may remember from the “Red Bull with Demi Lovato”,  Childish Gambino review, and “Eva Longoria @ Laugh Factory” blog posts.)  Why I need to mention this? Well. It was FI’s slightly-buzzed-self that initiated formal conversation with Joe Jonas, and allowed me to upgrade from a “stalker-photo-from-afar” to a “let’s-smile-and-pose-together” picture. And a story for this lovely blog.

FI: “Hey so, there’s no real way around the awkwardness of all this, so um my friend over there, SK, she wants to talk to you”

SK awkwardly approaches JJ and immediately enlists all the teachings of her 6 months of UCB improv training. They exchange names and hellos and all that jazz. Meanwhile, FI steps aside and chats up JJ’s friend.

SK: So um, I’m hungry, and really indecisive… and I noticed you eating here earlier. What would you recommend I get? What do you eat here?

JJ (chuckling, then deadpans serious face): Half chicken, coleslaw, BBQ baked beans, and most importantly, chipotle mayo.

SK: Chipotle mayo? Like, by itself? That doesn’t make sense. No one has chipotle mayo without a sandwich, right?

JJ: I have chipotle mayo on everything. I can even have it for breakfast. Eggs.

SK (heart melting): I LOVE chipotle mayo. I just have never tried it without….bread.

For some reason writing that aforementioned line eludes a sexual tone. But I promise, it’s not a euphamism.

JJ: So did you just perform?

SK: No no, I was just a spectator this time around. Actually watched my friend perform. He’s a comic.

I really should have invited JJ to my next improv show at UCB at this point, but I was focused on the chipotle mayo I’d be indulging in after the conversation wrapped up. As I’m thinking about chipotle mayo, FI interrupts my food fantasy to tell me about JJ’s friend…

FI: Dude! THIS GUY is from Ohio!

SK, slightly amused, and happy that FI found another ethnic brother from the Midwest, continues her chat with JJ

SK: So where are you from?

JJ: All over, I’ve lived everywhere

SK: What does that mean?

JJ: Arizona, New Jersey, Texas, here…now I live between here and New York.

SK: Oh wow, yeah that’s everywhere. Wait. Why both here and NY? Do you have a preference? Why can’t you pick one.

JJ: I love both places for different reasons. The pace of New York, the people here…

SK: Good point. But we undeniably have better weather. Anyway. Back to chipotle mayo…

JJ laughs. SK is about to continue said-conversation, when FI and JJ’s friend take over conversation

JJ’s friend: What does she do?

Pause. Because A) I hate the word ‘host’, B) I’m a former journalist, and C) I do too many random things to fully label it

SK: Um. I talk for a living.

JJ laughs

FI: She is…a…host. Hostess. She’s more than that, she –

SK: Ack! I hate that word, host. It makes it seem like I didn’t go to a prestigious 4-year-University and get a broadcast journalism degree.

Ooops! I said the word. JOURNALIST. I quickly keep talking, hoping to say enough words, hoping that my rambling will mask my mistake. In case you aren’t following, readers, “celebrities” don’t exactly like “journalists.”

JJ’s friend: Hey man it was nice meeting you, but we gotta go.

SK: It was nice meeting you. Thanks for deciding my meal for me.

JJ: Nice meeting you too!

FI takes a photo of us for Instagram, JJ and his friend leave

Alas, my moment with Joe Jonas ends, perhaps because they really had to leave, perhaps because I said the dreaded word “journalist.” I’ll never know. What I do know, however, is what Mr Jonas ate that night. And what I, in turn, ate as well.

See below:

Substituted the BBQ Baked Beans for Mashed Potatoes (Sorry JJ, your beans have pork in them)

Close-up of chicken since this place IS called Birds…

Chipotle Mayo so delicious, you'd remove your purity ring to hit it.

I’d like to issue an apology to Donald Glover for taking two years to write a blog post about him.

You see, the man also known to “Community” lovers as Troy Barnes and hip-hop heads as Childish Gambino is incredibly talented… and I? Well, I’m just a procrastinator. Perhaps I should take a hard-working cue from DG (I like giving people nicknames based on their initials, FYI.)

So what prompted the sudden urge to blog? His impromptu stand-up set I just so happen to catch at Meltdown Comics on Wednesday which made me realize how multi-faceted this guy is (shoutout to my dear friend, FI, short for FunnyIndian.com, for taking me with. Hanging with him has resulted in a good blog post or two over the years.)

You see. DG is a triple threat. Or maybe quadruple threat. Or quintuple threat? I think that’s a word? Anyway. The point is, he does many things, and many things well. He’s a writer (hand-picked by Tina Fey in the mid-2000′s to write for “30 Rock” while he was still in college at NYU.) He’s an actor (as aforementioned, his biggest credit/most prominent role being that of Troy in NBC’s hit show “Community – also known as my favorite show on television.) He’s a comedian (hence the stand-up set I saw on Weds night.) And he’s a rapper (Childish Gambino, anyone? I’m addicted to his single, “Heartbeat.”)

Comparatively, there’s no one like him in the game. There’s Drake, but I see him as more hip-hop artist, less Degrassi. Will Smith used to rap…but let’s be real, there were no curse words in his rhymes, so that by default gives him less stress cred. Perhaps his son Jaden Smith will compete (he rapped with Biebs, plus he was the Karate Kid. A Black kid taking on an Asian role. Reverse Jeremy Lin, yo.) Then there’s Jamie Foxx. Talented, but I’m not really fond of his music nor am I attracted to him so I’ll veto that. Diddy acted in “Get Him to the Greek” and attempted to rap recently with a crew named Dirty Money, but that music just felt…like dirty money. So once again, no one can compete.

What’s most interesting? Each of his “personas” are all so different. There’s the Donald Glover that took the stage at Meltdown Comics on Wednesday night and talked about fleshlights (which, real talk, I didn’t know what they were til I kept listening to his jokes and realized they were some sort of sex toy, only to be confirmed by a google search I made on my phone…yes, DG is now to blame for ruining my reputation with the folks at AT&T whom I’m sure keep record of all data that’s ever been on my phone). This same comedic DG also discussed his love for girl-on-girl action, how he gets sexually suggestive tweets from strangers, and some other joke I can’t remember yet my notes on my phone say “duck rape.” He himself calls out the fact the guy on stage is far from the guy you see on TV, referencing a letter from a white lady who saw one of his comedy shows and wrote him a letter, shaming him for using the “N word” (I think she’s racist.) Personal highlight? He asks the ultra comedy-hip crowd (translation: beards, glasses, and plaid shirts) if anyone has seen the Justin Bieber movie. Silence…until I start cheering and clapping (I’ve never been one to shy away from my love for the Biebs, as was evident in the last blog post.) DG acknowledges, suggests that I’m one lonely individual, and continues with his joke…bringing up the trailer for “Never Say Never” and the voiceover that said… “THEY SAID IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN…” to which DG jokes, “Good looking talented white kid? No never.”

The thing with this set is that he hadn’t done standup in months. So he did warn us that he was a little rusty. Interestingly, I asked him (two years ago, albeit) if he had time to do standup with the whole success of Community. Response? “Whenever I can. If I get a Tuesday off, you’ll find me at Upright Citizens Brigade. And I do The Improv a lot, the Laugh Factory has been really good to me….Everyone I know, like Tina Fey, Joel Mchale, Seth Rogen…they’re always working, Adam Sandler. I’ve learned from them, if I really wanna do what I want to do, I need to be doing it all the time.  So when I’m not messing around with these guys [on set] and having fun, I want to sit down and write jokes.”

Abed & Troy

So now you kind of know “on-stage DG.” But there’s more. There’s the DG you see as Troy on Community. Geeky. Endearing. More obsessed with his BFF Abed than something like a fleshlight. In fact, it was this version of DG who was most like the one I interviewed two years ago…. who told me things like (in regards to succeeding with viral videos online), “don’t go after the money immediately. We had a lot of friends who were really funny and the second someone comes and is like ‘We’ll give you 200 dollars for your whole series’, they were like ‘yes, we made it!’ Well, that 200 will be split between three people and that’s like 75 dollars each, and your ideas are gone. The money will always comes if you love what you’re doing. Do what you love doing, and do it for free as long as you can” and (in regards to writing for TV), “I love writing, I do it in my spare time on set cause I like to stay busy…If [the creator of Community] ever asked me to write for this show, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

Speaking of Heartbeat… that’s also the name of his current single from his alter-ego, Childish Gambino, another version of DG…(possibly my favorite version) who spends his time talking about relationships and using curse words and rhymes and brilliant lyrics to win me over. See video here:

Then there’s “Normal” DG… the one who had a college life, before the fame and fortune and fangirls.

“I once got really drunk at a college party, and I had what they call Jungle Juice and I had a whole bunch of shots with those and I got really drunk – and I couldn’t remember anything – and I had just broken up with my girlfriend, so my friend drops me off with this girl and was like , ‘she just broke up with her boyfriend’, and he faded into the background.  And I remember thinking in my head like, ‘Oh yeah, this is gonna be great!’ Then I woke up, nothing happened, and I was just in a cab….I just imagine it must have been the most embarrassing thing, I must have done something so messed up that she was like, ‘you have to be in a cab.’”

So in conclusion…the lesson you can take away from DG is…even if you get too hammered to hook up with a girl one night in college, if you play your cards right and succeed afterward, you’ll have many girls proclaiming their desire to hook up with you via Twitter a few years later. #myselfincluded #justkiddingmymothermightbereadingthis

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Justin Timberlake does a lot of things.  He sings. He dances. He acts. He hosts. He jokes. He runs a record label. A clothing line. A tequila line. Probably has done other lines (yes that’s a reference to cocaine.)

Anyway…. for the most part, I’ve supported all these endeavors since I decided in 1998 that he would become the crush of my lifetime (or well, half lifetime, since there was a time before JT.) I’m a very loyal girl. Don’t screw me over and I’ll be by your side for better and for worse.

And well, since the word “worse” has been brought up, I must address something that has bothered me over the last few weeks, in regard to the usually amazing and talented Timberlake.

Let’s just say that JT is trying to be JZ (Jay-Z actually, it just visually looked better written like that when trying to make the comparison.) What I mean by that?

He’s…. rapping.

Yes, rapping. As in, speaking words at really a rapid rate while rhyming, most commonly done successfully by black people, Eminem aside.

Now before I show you the video, where JT joins his Tennman Records artist FreeSol in the song “Role Model” – I’d like to break down some of the lyrics.

First off, he claims to “ball like a Laker.”

Yo Justin, this may have been a great reference in 2010, but this song came out in 2011. I don’t know if you know this but… the Lakers sorta dropped the ball this year. And got swept. So, in your defense, I hope you meant “bawl like a Laker”… as in shed tears over the fact that rapping isn’t your greatest talent.

He also tells us “I’m going hard like the opposite of soft” – I see no brilliance in this. Honestly, I just feel like if you’re gonna rap, it’s gotta be clever genius like Drake, Eminem, Jay-Z, Kanye, even Weezy…  but, this is straight Diddy (which means Justin will be more successful in rap if he just manages other rappers careers.)

I will say the one time I smirked is when Justin says “Oops did I take it too far? Superbowl!” and then pulls his shirt to the side. That was a reference to the CBS drama when he took the Superbowl stage with Janet Jackson and well, had the “wardrobe malfunction.” Way to call yourself out and admit to the crime, JT. #7yearslate

Anyway, I’m not gonna analyze every line because….well, then I’d have to think of clever things to say about everything, and writer’s block is setting in. So please, just watch this video for yourself, and make your own judgment on JT’s rapping skills.

PS. Viewer Discretion advised… (Side Effects include: shock, horror, a decrease in attraction, a mild case of amusement,  and an occasional laugh.)

PPS When it comes to rapping, clearly… THIS Justin does it better:

Insert Paula Cole song here

If there’s anything I’ve learned from junior high school television, it’s this:

DO NOT have a creek named after you.

Some of you may be puzzled, as having a creek (or anything for that matter) named after you seems like a pretty legit accomplishment in life.

But hear me out. You see…Dawson had a creek named after him (Dawson’s Creek.) And well, where is Dawson now? His co-stars like Joey and Pacey and Jen are doing great.

Joey (aka Katie Holmes aka Mrs. Cruise) has attained the ultimate celebrity status – famous for just being famous, meaning we care about her personal life relationship, what she’s wearing, what her kid is wearing (I seriously know way too much about Suri) – and she gets cast in major things. She most recently starred in Jack and Jill opposite of Adam Sandler, and more importantly, she was also in Batman Begins (if yo star in a comic book film, you’re by default successful.)

Pacey (aka Joshua Jackson) is aligned with the great JJ Abrams and on a hit show called Fringe. I mean, he’s become part of Comic-Con royalty. I believe that is a win. (For the sake of this blog post, please disregard his altercation with a security guard at a hockey game in 2002.)

Jen (aka Michelle Williams) well….aside from being the pseudo-widow of Heath Ledger (they were broken up at the time of the death but had a child together), had noteworthy roles in films like Brokeback Mountain and Blue Valentine.

As for Dawson (aka James Van Der Beek?) I recall an MTV high-school movie about football… but that’s sorta it. And even that film, Varsity Blues, came out while his Creek show was still on the air.  He was also named one of People’s 50 most Beautiful….once again, during the Creek era.  Post-Creek? He starred in a the flop of a movie, Rules of Attraction, did some stuff OFF Broadway, had some one-offs guest star roles on TV, and most recently, was featured in Ke$ha’s video for “Blow” (as in, his career relative to the rest of the DC cast….blows.)

So in conclusion, all I know is that if you have a creek with your name attached to it, be prepared to peak in high school…and then drown.

Anyway. I was getting “stalked” by a monster, and instead of running away like a normal person would, I decided to call my stalker out… and then interview him on camera (this should explain the dark & sadistic title for this vlog post.) So if you have 1.5 minutes to spare, I encourage you to learn things only monsters know… like what humans taste like. (PS shoutout to up-and-coming ESPN analyst and former Stanford basketball star Rosalyn Gold-Onwude for her amazing shooting skills. Video shooting, not basketball. Though she’s good at that too.)

“Hi…um, I follow you on Twitter, so it’s totally acceptable that I followed you into the bathroom, right?”

The aforementioned quote? ALMOST actually stated, as a “pickup” line (on a girl, mind you)…

So here’s the deal. I’m at the Hollywood Improv to check out a few friends (Jonny Loquasto and Grant Cotter) who are doing a show with the (former) cast of NBC’s Free Agents (If you didn’t understand the previous parenthetical clause, it’s because the show has since been canceled) – and as I stand on the wall, I just so happen to spot John Legend.

Now, most normal girls would “eeek” over such a sighting. However, I’m not most normal girls. Instead, I immediately look around him to see if his girlfriend is there.

Yes, his girlfriend. Now you may automatically assume that I was looking to see whether his GF would be there to find out whether or not I’d be in the clear to approach him and hit on him….

But no, that is NOT the case. In reality, I actually care more about his girlfriend being there, than the Legend himself.

His girlfriend, you could say, is a Twitter legend (yes, I’m trying to be punny.)

If you don’t know her, her name is Chrissy Teigen. Supermodel. Super blogger. And super awesome and sarcastic and hilarious on Twitter (yes, I’ve publicly stated that I digitally aspire to be her.)

Anyway. She was there. I immediately start tweeting incessantly about my spotting, and my friend Josh Sandoval encourages me to go say hi.

However, I refuse, mostly because it’d be a little awkward to walk through a comedy club and approach a table in the middle room as stand-up comedy is being performed on stage, especially since I wasn’t a server checking to see if they were meeting the 2-drink minimum.

So I just watched the show…. UNTIL… I see her get up. Which can only mean one thing – she’s going to the bathroom.

Once again, my friend Josh encourages me to go strike up convo. He actually is the one that came up with the line I started the blog post with (yes, the “Hey I follow you on Twitter so it’s not awkward that I followed you into the bathroom in real life, right?” line.)

Anyway. I decide I have to go to the bathroom. Mostly because I never want to let moments pass. This one time I was at the Cheesecake Factory, the day the Michael Jackson death/Conrad Murray trial started, and Jermaine Jackson was there. I stood there, contemplated for minutes as to whether I would say something, and by the time I wanted to, it was too late – he left (clearly, making decisions is not as easy as 1,2, 3.)

So I go into the bathroom and attempt to do my hair (yes, I randomly had a bottle of Alterna hair spray) so as to not look threatening. Chrissy comes out of the stall. She washes her hands. I glance over, and instead of using the cheesy canned line, I just say something to the effect of “Hi. Um, I follow you on Twitter, and I just think you’re awesome.”

She smiles, laughs, says she’s not mean in real life. I told her that I support her style, and that I prefer her meanness and sarcasm to her serious tweets that she randomly throws out (we then talk about a recent death penalty rant she went on.)

Get it? We all cringe at the thought of the WNBA.

Sometimes you have to be smart to catch onto her humor

Real Talk

Since we’re at a comedy show, and since she’s funny, I ask her if she’d ever do standup. She says that she wouldn’t, that it takes balls to do standup (explains why most female comics are lesbians), and then next thing you know I’m confiding all my life’s relationship problems to her in the bathroom (something to the effect of the emotional destruction that unexpectedly running into your ex has on your day.)

I also mention that a dear friendager (yes, that’s friend and manager combined), Ray Hughes, also told me to say hi to her and tell her that I enjoy their Twitter exchanges. She knows him, and recalls the moment they were stuck on a plane together.

Anyway. We talk about Twitter a little more, she tells me she’s afraid to take her phone out (yeah, the Hollywood Improv gets mad about phones being out. Something to do with respecting comedians or something) and then we part ways. I continue to do my hair so it looked like I had a purpose in the bathroom, and she leaves.

Now many of you may be asking, “Why didn’t you take a picture?” Well um, I thought bathroom stalking was bad enough, I didn’t want to come off as a total creeper. And hey, if a picture is worth a thousand words… will writing 1001 make up for not having a photo? (Too cheesy? Sorry. I needed to think of a way to wrap up this post. The end.)

I said it once, I’ll say it again…

I would never date a Blackberry.

For those not following along, my definition of a Blackberry, as it pertains to this blog post, is a person who uses the RIM device, most often associated with finance and entertainment professionals. NOT the fruit…I rather enjoy the fruit actually…

Anyway. Being a Blackberry was cool in the mid-2000′s, pre-iPhone, pre-android. They were most often associated with “success” – mostly because “important” people needed to be available via email at an instant’s notice, and thus had to use said-devices.

However, there’s absolutely no appeal in the modern day era of 2011. Yes, I know the one argument all you Berries have – “But we have BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) – I can talk to anyone in the world!”

NEWSFLASH: There are Messenger apps (What’s App, for example) that allow you to do practically the same thing on iPhone/Android-based phones. Plus, the iPhone 5…which should be out relatively soon…comes with the BBM-equivalent iMessenger.

Thus, your ONE argument for the device fails. Anyway. You know how there’s that whole concept about how pets are a reflection of their owners?  I think the same applies to cell phones. See below:

iPhone/Android Users 

• Always looking to reinvent, or “better” oneself (creative? ambitious? Every  year you have something new to provide to society.)
• User-friendly (yes, people can be user-friendly)
• They have great game (yes, this is an attempt at a pun)

Blackberries

• Rigid/conformists (what’s that? You got your phone from your company? You have to be in the office at 2am?)
• Your soul is dying (because RIM, as a company, is dying)
• Limited curiosity (googling on a BB is a painful experience)
• You’re lost (have you tried BB’s attempt at navigation/Google maps? Enough said.) 

So there you have it. A completely (un)scientific guide to the difference between iPhone/Android users and “Blackberries” – I hope that after reading this, I get at least one Blackberry to feel insecure enough to turn in their phones, leave the 2000′s behind, and join us forward-thinking people of 2011.

Red Bull gives you…a new friendship (and wings)

What happens when you take a Grey-Goosed-out comedian friend (let’s call him FI, short for Funny Indian) to one of the hottest spots in Hollywood?

Um. You befriend a Disney star whose song you secretly love (and not-so-secretly blast everytime it plays on Satellite Radio.)

The Grey-Goosed-out friend? Rajiv Satyal (or as I call him, FI.)

The Disney star? Demi Lovato (her nickname is DL. No, not on the “down low” – her initials are actually DL. Though if you think about it, it’s kinda ironic that she’s DL…given that she has over 4million Twitter followers. Nothing DL about that.)

The location? Lexington Social House (or Lexington for short. Maybe I’ll get lazy and just refer to it from here on out as “Lex”… however that conjures up images of Superman’s arch-nemesis Lex Luther, and well, he was just evil.)

So here’s the deal. FI and I had a plan to hang out on Saturday night. We end up going to Lex to see some dear friends (Fahad, Tova, Christine, congrats on your KHANversations shout-out). We have a table. Having a table with bottle service can only lead to one thing – nonsense. And by nonsense I mean, a once sober Funny Indian eventually becomes a crazy, wild, super dancer Funny Indian.

Now, if you’re anywhere near viewing distance of this character known as the “Funny Indian”, you’re getting a firsthand account as to why he lives up to the “funny” in his moniker. He’s wilin’ out. Needless to say, the girls on the table next to us take notice. I begin talking to them across tables, as I notice that they are amused by my friend. I tell them I’ll send him over (at this point, Tova had pointed out that this nearby table was also home to Demi Lovato.) Anyway, I motion FI to go to that table, and he straight DISSES them – saying something to the effect of “No, they can come here.” So I tell the girls that he doesn’t want to come over… and what happens next? They egg the girl-whose-supposedly-DL on, and next thing you know, she’s gotten up from her table, walked over to ours, and started dancing behind FI! It’s a spectacle. I join in (mostly for blog post purposes.) My friend Tova attempts to take a picture, but Demi’s got a good  iPhone/fear-of-Twitpic radar, and immediately jolts back to her table before Tova can snap away.

Alas. I thought the blog post had ended there… an exciting dance sesh with Demi Lovato, one that involved FI dissing her, and she throwing herself at him (in the platonic, I just want to do something funny sort of way. Not sexual.)

But wait – there’s more…

Minutes later, FI goes to DL’s table. He offers them our table and the large bottle of Grey Goose that our friends had left there, convincing them to go drink it. DL’s response? “I don’t drink!”

And… this is my cue to bond with her. Because as any friend of SK who has hit the LA nightlife with her knows, I don’t drink, but I can seriously down a can of sugarfree Red Bull or two. DL’s drink choice? SugarFree Red Bull. So I discuss the benefits of not drinking with her, why having multiple cans of SFRB is better (basically you can have fun and still drive), how SugarFree is far superior to regular (who wants to drink 110 calories when you can just drink 10?), and how I support her cause (I make no mention of recent tabloid headlines involving her.)

FI continues to suggest she drink (unbeknownst to him, she’s 19…) but he does not succeed. Before convo wraps, he tells her “You are SO nice! I just want to tell you that. It’s so rare to meet someone in Hollywood that’s just…nice.” (DL has been smiling the whole night.)

DL’s response? “Well, you are so fun. It’s so rare to meet someone who likes to just have fun.”

So DL is nice, FI is fun, and SK is just amused by this whole scenario that she knows is unfolding into a future blog post (yes, the one you’re reading right now.)

And well…let’s be real. Normally, I write blog posts for friends and followers. Today? I write the blog post as a reminder for FI as to what happened that night… because well, he can’t remember.

PS This isn’t the first time FI had a fab A-list encounter when he and I hung out – read about our run-in with Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, and how we all became BFFs here.

PPS Even though we didn’t get a photo with Demi, I did catch her song playing on SiriusXM the very next day. Naturally, I got excited and took a photo and sent to FI. In case you care what that photo looks like…

Ron Artest on a stage. With a mic. Not a court. Or a ball.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Ron Artest.

Ron Artest who?

Ron Artest the comedian.

Okay okay, I know that wasn’t the best joke you’ve ever heard… but um, that’s because it’s not a joke. It’s reality (funny reality, albeit.)

So as any basketball fan knows, the NBA is locked out. As a result, basketball players are looking for other job opportunities…

Ron Artest’s plan? Joke (no not choke, as in the Lakers this last season, but joke…as in, say-something-to-make-people-laugh.)

Thanks to Jason Collings, a comedian I met two nights prior who was booked on Ron Artest’s show, I got a chance to check out one of the most entertaining athletes in the game (consider watching Ron Artest do standup the equivalent to watching Shaq rap.)

Highlights?

• Artest calling Ben Wallace a dick
• Referring to comedian Maronzio Vance as “Maronzo” (I’m convinced it’s because he was just rhyming it was Alonzo, as in Alonzo Mourning, of 90′s Miami Heat fame. Side note: This “Maronzo” character is ridiculously hilarious. I was LOLing his entire set.)
• Artest claiming he was bored one day, called his lawyer, and asked how much it would cost to change his name (thus we now have, Mr. Metta World Peace)
• Someone asking if he wants Dwight Howard as a Laker. Response: “I love my team, we don’t need Dwight – I don’t got big shoulders, we have Bynum.” (He then goes on a tangent about Lakers getting swept by an F-ing German.)
• Speaking of the Dallas series, here’s a classic Artest (Peace) line of the night: “F-ing Andrew Bynum, taking his shirt off like he’s a stripper – I almost tipped him!” (And we now know that Metta visits strip clubs…)
• Someone asks about his pre-game ritual. Result? “This isn’t f-ing ‘The View’, did Oprah ask that? Oprah has the fattest ass in entertainment, right behind Serena, Serena has ass.” (No, Oprah didn’t ask that. Oprah is NOT one of the hundreds of audience members at the Brea Improv in Orange County. I’m guessing she was out being fancy somewhere.)
• Someone asked if he liked fishsticks. “I know that joke, it’s the Kanye West joke from 4 years ago…I read the internet! You can’t get me!” (I just like the fact that he said “I read the internet. Oh and in case you’re wondering, liking fish sticks means you’re gay. According to South Park.)
• Next question…are you happy with the size of your manhood? “I guess so, I enjoy that f-ing sex.” (PS one thing I’ve noticed comics do a lot is use profanity as a crutch – drunken audience members tend to laugh at anything that involves “f-ing.”)
• He says he’s thirsty. He asks for breast milk (a joke? Probably. However it makes me wonder if he’s had breast milk at an age where he could remember, because well, I totally don’t remember the taste of it as a one-year-old…)
• Lastly, someone asks what his nickname would be now that his new name is Metta World Peace. His answer? “Uh, I guess my nickname would be… Ron Artest.”