The other day, I told someone they got played… specifically saying something to the extent of… “He played you like a Laker.” (Loose summary: she had high hopes, was let down in the end… yeah, you get it.) Then, because my mind works in a very tangential sense, I started trailing off and next thing you know, I was making many comparisons in my head, basketball team qualities to human qualities, and then had the epiphany that the world must know about this (meaning…I had to blog about it.)
Needless to say, I needed a basketball “expert” to interview before I took on this task. Sure, I follow the game, but my younger brother Asif has been a die-hard fan since the 94-95 season. So I sat down with him this Memorial Day weekend, and generically interviewed him on each team. I’ve taken his quotes, shared a few with you all, and “translated” those team qualities to that of a potential significant other.
Real talk…this is what the movie “Love and Basketball” should have been about. (PS my brother has no idea I took his basketball analysis and used it to create a dating guide. Please do not tell him.)
Disclaimer: There is NO scientific evidence to back up my assertions. Also, this list has been alphabetized for your convenience… because I’m considerate.
Atlanta Hawks: “Used to suck”, “Half the crowd are black, half the crowd is white”, “Inconsistent team”, and “When healthy they can make some noise.”
Translation: Honestly, even my brother’s description of the Hawks made me yawn, so you can imagine what this guy is like. Not a lot of buzz around him, average, won’t surprise you. He is Equal Opportunity though… race doesn’t affect who this guy falls for.
Boston Celtics: “Defensive minded team with Coach Rivers”, “Veteran team with high expectations”, “Lots of history” and “Future is uncertain.”
Translation: They’re cautious when it comes to entering a new relationship. They’ve been there, done that, and they’ve been relatively successful. When it comes to starting something, they’ll only move forward if you’ve proven yourself, and there are a lot of checkmarks to cross off the list before you’re worthy. That being said, don’t mistake his caution for stability. You never know with the wary ones…
Brooklyn Nets: “A bad team with good players”, “Don’t expect too much cause their best players are going to leave” and “Partially owned by Jay-Z”
Translation: Date this person casually, if you are interested. This is not someone you invest in. Or as the cliché goes, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” (yes, I attempted to pun there.)
Charlotte Bobcats: “Owned by Michael Jordan”, “Fans expect more but the team is so bad they say a college team could beat them”, and “If they win the lottery this year (first pick) then things could change”
Translation: He comes from a very prominent family, super super successful, so everyone has high expectations from him. Problem? He’s a total failure. Typical “spoiled rich kid” effect.
Chicago Bulls: “Superstars of the 90s,” “Couple of rough years but once they picked up D Rose, the fans expect more than the Jordan years” “Great coach, good team”, “A lot of injuries” and “Past few injuries have disappointed the fans, they ended up losing to the 8th seed as a #1 seed, only happening 4 other times in history.”
Translation: All-star in high school, college may have been a little rough for him, but after graduation he scored an amazing job that’s got everyone talking about how talented he is. He’s got a good support group – family, friends – he’s almost the perfect mate. The only thing is that problems in his personal life gets in the way from him having a successful relationship, at least right now.
Cleveland Cavaliers: “Post-Lebron, they were bad for one year then got #1 pick. so now they’re good”, and “They’ll make playoffs next year – they got Irving, he was rookie of the year this year.”
Translation: Still bitter/hurt over “the one that got away” or rather, left him without any real warning after a long term (maybe 7-year?) relationship. Spent a year in recovery and is now dating someone new and desirable, someone that everyone loves and has high hopes in.
Dallas Mavericks: “Shoot the 3s, make the 3s”, “When they don’t make them things get bad because they don’t have rebounders”, “Tried many times and failed until last year” and “Owner always committing to winning.”
Translation: He takes risks sometimes, and is usually successful. That girl might be a 9, and he might consider himself a 6, but he’s figured out how to aim, shoot, and score. Usually. Because he’s got great game, he takes on many targets – he’s committed to winning over the ladies, and to him, it’s a numbers game. With enough attempts, he’ll get the one he wants.
Denver Nuggets: “A bunch of good players but not one superstar, Coach Karl wants to get the most out of them so they’re overachieving”, “More of a defense team instead of an offense team”, “Took the Lakers to game 7” and “They look good for the future but not a contender.”
Translation: The guy whose parents put the pressure on him to be successful. He’s hard working, has a good job, but not a GREAT job – trying his best to overcompensate for what he feels are his “failures” (perhaps he went to Berkeley and he’s secretly wished he had made it to Harvard.) He’s the guy that will take extra steps to make sure he doesn’t upset you, hurt you, make you angry… but since he’s so worried about that, he’s not taking the time out to do things that will do just the opposite: make you happy, make you smile, make you fall in love all over.
Detroit Pistons: “Same thing as Toronto, a good roster that is underachieving”, “they play hard” and “A great team in the 80s, made a comeback in ’04, for 10 years they were bad.”
Translation: A hard-working guy that just can’t catch a break these days. He won you over in the beginning, you thought the fairytale would last forever. Sure, the romance died down in the middle, but he revived it and things were almost as good as when it started! Unfortunately, complacency has once again set in and he isn’t putting in the performance you know he’s capable of.
Golden State Warriors: “No defense” and “Trying to get a defensive culture so they can get better, but they’re in the western conference so it’ll be hard to do.”
Translation: Horrible when it comes to salvaging a relationship or doing any sort of damage control. Realizes his faults, and is working towards becoming better and apologizing/saying sorry. However, he has competition (ie he’s not the only fish in the sea/team in the league)– so even if this person improves, he will never appear perfect in the eyes of the beholder because there are others more successfully getting your attention.
Houston Rockets: “They like to run”, “Rookies”, “They like to get rebounds, play defense, and hustle” and “Bright future but still a few years away from contention”
Translation: Yikes. All I took from this analysis is that they aim for the girl that’s just gotten out of a relationship (easy target), they are good at covering up their mistakes, they’re on their grind, and what- they like to run? Yeah, this isn’t where you go if you want commitment. One day this person will be commitment-worthy, the potential is there, but right now, they’re just playing for fun.
Indiana Pacers: “A lot of great players but no superstars”, “They’re always looking to get better” and “Team is full w young talent”
Translation: He’s a good guy. Not the best guy. But he’s working on improving. He’s never given you a real reason to doubt his abilities.
Los Angeles Clippers: “Previously always dedicated to losing by letting their draft picks go”, “Fans have something to look forward to in the future”, “The team has changed”, “They’re run and gun, get out and shoot”, and “They surprise you.”
Translation: Never took his relationships seriously, always letting the good ones get away. Finally has nabbed someone “trophy-worthy” to everyone’s surprise, and is treating her well…perhaps he’s finally grown up? Only time will tell if it’s something that will last.
Los Angeles Lakers: “Front runners like the Lakers”, “Too much hype”, “great defensive team but inconsistent in the clutch with the game on the line” and “can’t make decisions as to whether or not they want Kobe to shoot.”
Translation: The quarterback of the football team, the prom queen… the one everyone wants to be with. Pretty and glamorous, everyone loves and wants to be this person, or hates them – no in between. They’re talented, sure. But over-hyped. They’ll make you believe that they’ll take you all the way, that you’ll get your happily ever after, they’ll even take certain measures to appear like they care (what? You’re headed towards a fight? Nope, he’ll take precautionary measures, stop by and pick up your favorite latte so you forget you’re almost mad at him.) But…when push comes to shove, and big decisions and actions have to be made, they sometimes go the wrong way. Leaving you broken and confused. And not admitting their faults.
Memphis Grizzlies: “Underachieved this year but bright future for the next 5 years”, “Fans know they’re good because of the talent”, and “They like to play the give and go and outsmart their opponents.”
Translation: This guy has a lot of great qualities, he’s just had a rough year so you’re justifying why the relationship isn’t good right now in this moment. You believe in him, you believe he’ll step up his game. He’s smart, witty, generous, and will keep you on your toes.
Miami Heat: “Lots of hype”, “The big 3 built by Pat Riley, looks good but hasn’t produced a championship”, “Only time will tell” and “They’ll be in the running for the next 5 years.”
Translation: Super arrogant guy, some of his ego is deserved, though he hasn’t fully proven himself to be THAT worthy of such attitude. I suppose we’ll call it “confidence.” He’s ambitious, has swag, sure you can date him, but you’ll have to wait and see if he delivers, or just leaves you broken hearted at the altar.
Milwaukee Bucks: “A lot of scorn”, “Very good future”, “They were okay, always in the middle”, “A casual fan will enjoy watching because they have 2 dynamic players”, “Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but one thing you’ll know is that Monta Ellis will get half the shots”, “Brandon Jennings will need to pass more”, “An inconsistent team” and “Would you bet on them? No.”
Translation: Average guy. Will sometimes be good to you, other times he’ll let you down. He’s got a future with a lot of potential but the problem is he’s unpredictable – which can be a scary thing when it comes to your heart. Selfish tendencies.
Minnesota Timberwolves: “A very deep team with a great coach” , “A lot of good players” – “very deep, but they got hurt” and “Fans look forward to Ricky Rubio.”
Translation: A very well-rounded individual – funny, cute, charismatic, career is in order. The problem? He’s got baggage that he hasn’t fully let go of, and the pain still affects his performance. Once he gets past the injury, he’ll be a prized item.
New Orleans Hornets: “Bunch of great young players in rebuilding mode”, “Like to run, like to play defense”, and “Just like the Kings – they lose but they’re close, they’re not getting blown out, there’s potential to win.”
Translation: He’s gotten out of a rough situation and is looking to start fresh, though he might not really be ready to get into another one. He’s got the potential to be a great significant other, but he just keeps dropping the ball. His focus is on making sure he doesn’t screw up, rather than aiming to please and make the extra effort.
New York Knicks: “It’s Carmelo’s team, not Jeremy Lin’s”, “The team surprised everybody this year”, “Historically, it’s a big city, fans expect them to win”, and “A lot of celebrities in the crowd cause its NYC.”
Translation: He’s got a couple go-to girls, and he’s not sure which one he wants as the frontrunner. When the 2nd girl got in the mix, everyone was really excited about her and thought she was the one. Eventually though, the hype died down. Either way, this guy’s got a lot to deliver because he’s well-connected, in the spotlight, and the person he brings home has got to be a winner.
OKC Thunder: “Just a bunch of athletes competing at a high level”, “They like to run and gun”, “Take the first open shot”, and “Still young, a very young team.”
Translation: He doesn’t have a whole lot of relationship experience, but he’s really good at what he does. He seems like he could be the perfect match – dedicated, hard-working, entertaining. However, you must proceed with caution, because even though he may seem wonderful, that inexperience could result in him later wanting to play the field if he realizes how many “open shots” he has.
Orlando Magic: “Fired their coach which is a dumb move, did it to just please Dwight Howard – everyone knows the coach was good”, “Style of play? They shoot the 3, most in the whole league” and “Dwight might leave anyway in a year so they just got rid of a good coach.”
Translation: He’s a great guy, sure. Great on paper. But he doesn’t do things for himself, he does things to please others – what he might think is a good move – but really isn’t. Did he break up with a girl he thought was perfect just because he was worried about what others might have to say? Perhaps. But those “others” won’t be in his life forever, meaning he may soon question all the decisions he’s ever let other people influence.
Philadelphia 76ers: “Tough minded defense, they like to get out and run and score”, “Their weakness is sometimes they cant score”, “A team on the rise because they’re young” and “Took Boston to 7 games, so major improvement”
Translation: This guy takes his relationship seriously. He likes to approach at full speed (roses, dates, etc) and is also on top of it when he makes a mistake. The problem is sometimes even though he means well and plans accordingly, things don’t always work out in his favor. Perhaps he didn’t efficiently plan out his date, so even though the idea was great, it lacked in execution. Regardless, he’s a good guy and you know he’s working hard to deliver, and effort should count for something, right?
Phoenix Suns: “Live by the jumpshot, die by the jumpshot”, “No defensive”, and “All offensive and shooting and hopes they make the playoffs.”
Translation: He’s got his go-to macking, his usual play-by-play. He might be the guy that ALWAYS takes a girl rock-climbing on the 1st date, or the guy that rotates in girl and after girl to his same favorite restaurants. Point is…this guy sticks to what he knows: if she likes it, she likes it, if she doesn’t – he won’t change his approach, he’ll just be onto the next one.
Portland Trailblazers: “Trying to rebuild team”, “No defense, they like to shoot 3’s”, and “won in the 70’s with Bill Walton.”
Translation: The guy who peaked in high school, made a slight comeback in his adulthood with a decent job, lost it, and is trying to regain his appeal. Doesn’t aim for what’s safe and more consistent (like a FG), instead going for longshots with hopes it’ll work out.
Sacramento Kings: “Unsure of home”, “Maloofs charge too much considering the team sucks without superstars”, “never made it to finals but could have in 2002”, and “they’re close in every game and compete hard, but they always end up losing.”
Translation: This person lacks stability, and therefore can’t be trusted with your heart. Not certain on where his/her future is going, however they’re ego is still holding on to the past, a time when they were on top of their game – and can’t shake the fact that they aren’t there. Result? They still think incredibly highly of themselves. On a positive note, they aren’t bad people. They’re very hard-working, but in the end, they just don’t have the right strategy to take it all the way.
San Antonio Spurs: “Well-coached team that’s been around”, “Style is boring and slow, but they know how to play defensive most importantly and they’re committed to winning and team ball” and “They don’t worry about one guy who has to score 30 points or take all the shots.”
Translation: This is the guy that your mom wants you to marry. Was raised well/comes from a good family, has a stable job, probably has a 401K, knows how to impress, knows how to end a fight, is a team player, lacks ego, won’t cause drama, but may not be the most exciting or passionate/intense relationship you’ve been in.
Toronto Raptors: “Young and upcoming team”, “A couple stars on the team who like to run and jump”, and “they don’t play much defense but they love to score.”
Translation: This is too easy. This guy is younger, focused on winning you over and “getting some”, not too worried about whether or not he makes you upset because he’s not worried about the end game.
Utah Jazz: “They play hard, all young talent”, “They overachieve”, “Previously had tons of playoff appearances, but always came up short”, and “Lots of Mormon fans.”
Translation: Had a lot of serious relationships, none ever resulting in marriage – perhaps a couple that were “engagement-worthy” – then took a break from the game and are now re-immersing themselves back into it, perhaps trying too hard to woo the girl.
Washington Wizards: “If you catch a Wizards game, don’t be surprised to see Obama in the crowd”, “Very young and immature, they’re the ones with the troublemakers”, “A losing team”, and “Now underachieving because they have good players/talent, but not winning.”
Translation: He’s the guy who is lazy. He may be smart and talented, but he’d rather spend his days hanging out with friends and lounging, getting into online debates and feuds, rather than applying himself and his passions to his career. Sure he’s gone to law school, but who wants to study for the Bar? He can always just take it next year, right? There are video games to be played and conquered.
So…uhh…Who said girls can’t be into basketball?
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