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Ron Artest: From Ballin’ to Bawlin (from Laughter)

Ron Artest on a stage. With a mic. Not a court. Or a ball.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Ron Artest.

Ron Artest who?

Ron Artest the comedian.

Okay okay, I know that wasn’t the best joke you’ve ever heard… but um, that’s because it’s not a joke. It’s reality (funny reality, albeit.)

So as any basketball fan knows, the NBA is locked out. As a result, basketball players are looking for other job opportunities…

Ron Artest’s plan? Joke (no not choke, as in the Lakers this last season, but joke…as in, say-something-to-make-people-laugh.)

Thanks to Jason Collings, a comedian I met two nights prior who was booked on Ron Artest’s show, I got a chance to check out one of the most entertaining athletes in the game (consider watching Ron Artest do standup the equivalent to watching Shaq rap.)

Highlights?

  • Artest calling Ben Wallace a dick
  • Referring to comedian Maronzio Vance as “Maronzo” (I’m convinced it’s because he was just rhyming it was Alonzo, as in Alonzo Mourning, of 90’s Miami Heat fame. Side note: This “Maronzo” character is ridiculously hilarious. I was LOLing his entire set.)
  • Artest claiming he was bored one day, called his lawyer, and asked how much it would cost to change his name (thus we now have, Mr. Metta World Peace)
  • Someone asking if he wants Dwight Howard as a Laker. Response: “I love my team, we don’t need Dwight – I don’t got big shoulders, we have Bynum.” (He then goes on a tangent about Lakers getting swept by an F-ing German.)
  • Speaking of the Dallas series, here’s a classic Artest (Peace) line of the night: “F-ing Andrew Bynum, taking his shirt off like he’s a stripper – I almost tipped him!” (And we now know that Metta visits strip clubs…)
  • Someone asks about his pre-game ritual. Result? “This isn’t f-ing ‘The View’, did Oprah ask that? Oprah has the fattest ass in entertainment, right behind Serena, Serena has ass.” (No, Oprah didn’t ask that. Oprah is NOT one of the hundreds of audience members at the Brea Improv in Orange County. I’m guessing she was out being fancy somewhere.)
  • Someone asked if he liked fishsticks. “I know that joke, it’s the Kanye West joke from 4 years ago…I read the internet! You can’t get me!” (I just like the fact that he said “I read the internet. Oh and in case you’re wondering, liking fish sticks means you’re gay. According to South Park.)
  • Next question…are you happy with the size of your manhood? “I guess so, I enjoy that f-ing sex.” (PS one thing I’ve noticed comics do a lot is use profanity as a crutch – drunken audience members tend to laugh at anything that involves “f-ing.”)
  • He says he’s thirsty. He asks for breast milk (a joke? Probably. However it makes me wonder if he’s had breast milk at an age where he could remember, because well, I totally don’t remember the taste of it as a one-year-old…)
  • Lastly, someone asks what his nickname would be now that his new name is Metta World Peace. His answer? “Uh, I guess my nickname would be… Ron Artest.”
So in conclusion…who says the lockout is a bad thing? I may not get to enjoy the ridiculousness that is Charles Barkley on TNT, but spending Saturday nights with Ron Ar–um, Metta World Peace, isn’t a bad alternative.
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